


feeling the sun

by aotbrainrot



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College Student Armin Arlert, College Student Jean Kirstein, Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt, M/M, Mental Anguish, References to Depression, Sad, There will be comfort, winter depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:15:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29948478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aotbrainrot/pseuds/aotbrainrot
Summary: the sun wasn't gone,but it felt like it wasorJean struggles with the 'winter blues" and isolates himself from his friends and everything he loves. Isolating himself from his support systems only leads to a self-made mental prison.He knows the that the sun still shines and yet he cannot feel it. Perhaps he needs the sun to come down to him.
Relationships: Armin Arlert & Jean Kirstein, Armin Arlert/Jean Kirstein
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	feeling the sun

_winters winds brought nothing but anguish to his mind  
as cities got covered with snow, so did his mind  
until he realized  
he couldn't feel the sun _

* * *

Jean doesn’t like waking up. As he lays in bed, he wishes he could go back to sleep and never wake up, anything to escape the fog in his mind, but he knows the day must start. With a great deal of effort, he manages to open his eyes, and they feel so heavy. The pale blue ceiling he looks at is bland, and he hates it, he hates everything in his tiny room from the chair that causes him back pain, the heater that’s faulty, and to the socket that always sparks. With a groan he lifts his duvet and finally gets up and stretches. He checks his phone and as usual there were no new messages, not that he expects there to be any. The notification panel makes him tear up because he sees the old messages his friends had sent him, and he wants to reply, he really does, but he just _can’t._ He thinks to himself that it’s no wonder that they’d seemingly given up on him, he was unlikable in this state.

He feels disgusting, it’s been days since he last showered or brushed his teeth, waking up was already such a struggle for him that he could barely bring himself to perform basic hygiene. Placing his phone face down at his desk, he finally sits on the chair at his desk and opens his laptop, hoping that he’ll be able to achieve one thing that day. His assignment document is barely opened for 3 minutes and he already feels the tears welling up in his eyes and he _hates_ it. The fog he feels in his mind doesn’t make it any better by whispering thoughts about how _useless, worthless, and friendless_ he is. Thinking about the amount of missing assignments he has and how disappointed he feels with himself, he lets the tears fall. The desk gets wet with tears as it always does.

Jean wasn’t like this in the warm months, he never felt this loneliness or heaviness. In warm weather, he was active in everything he liked and great at managing friendships. But the cold brought something out in him that was horrible, no matter what he did to prevent it, it always swallowed him whole. He hated that something like the season could affect him this way. He felt it was pathetic, that _he_ was pathetic.

With his efforts with homework proved futile, he decides to go on social media, which he realizes is a terrible mistake as he scrolls through pictures of his friends having fun and enjoying the weather. He shouldn’t be angry that others don’t feel the way he does during winter, but he is, and he is jealous. Again, his eyes are filled with tears and he tries to fight them, he doesn’t want to cry over social media posts, but they fall. He decides to go into his bathroom, and he recoils at his reflection in the mirror. He has horrible eye bags, his skin is nasty, and his eyes are red. He opens the tap and lets it run while he washes his face, he even manages to brush his teeth.

It's barely 11am and he’s already exhausted. He remembers learning that sunlight could help clear the fog that came with winter blues so he decides to open the blinds in his room. That proves to be a useless hack because seeing everywhere covered with snow just makes him feel worse. It feels like he’s drowning and like his lungs are running out of air and as he stumbles back into his chair, he just cries hard. His shoulders are shaking, and his face is slick with tears but the tears keep coming. His heart _aches,_ he tries to gnaw at it, anything to stop the tightening in his chest. This always scares him, the heart pains always made him think he was going to die and always made him feel weak. The pain finally passes, and with a heavy sigh he closes his laptop and crawls back into bed. He says out loud “tomorrow, I swear I’ll do my work”, and tries to ignore the fact that he said that yesterday, and the day before.

As he lies in bed, he feels like the weight of the world is on him and trying to break his chest in, it's suffocating and painful. He’s taking deep breaths now, _in out in out,_ with shaky exhales after each inhale. This tactic seems to be working and so he does it until he drifts off to sleep. He doesn’t know how long he’s slept but he does know he can hear someone knocking on his door which surprises him. He lets whoever it is wait for some time as he drags himself out of bed and puts on something that doesn’t make him look as disgusting as the pyjamas he was wearing.

* * *

Jean opens the door and finds _Armin_ about to knock again, and while Armin’s face seems to light up at seeing him, all Jean can feel is shame at the state of his apartment and his appearance. He manages to muster a half smile at Armin and lets him in.

“I’ve missed you”, Armin says with a smile, “Why have you ignored my texts?”.

“I haven’t been feeling well”, Jean says in response.

Although he knows Armin would never judge him, he just can’t find the words to explain the kind of pain he’s feeling, and he also doesn’t want to burden Armin. Armin nods lightly in understanding and looks around Jeans apartment. While Jean can’t remember the last time he ate, the takeout packs littered all over the living room makes it seem like he has. And yet Armin asks with a sigh,

“When was the last time you ate Jean?”, and Jean tries to answer without choking on his words, but it takes a few tries before he says, 

“I don’t know”. When Armin looks at him kindly, he feels like vomiting, he hates the fact that he’s being pitied, and as he watches Armin get a garbage bag and start cleaning up he feels _angry._ It feels good to feel anger, anything was better than what he’d been feeling. Armin seems to notice the mood change and cocks his head at Jean as if to ask a question.

“I don’t appreciate you coming in to just clean my place… at least talk to me,” Jean says in a low voice. He tries not to let the words sound harsh because he knows Armin’s just trying to help, but he still notices a flash of hurt on Armin’s face. 

Armin sits down and looks up at Jean and asks “Well, what would you like me to say?..... I...I called you so many times.” Armin’s voice starts to crack and he says heavily, “I don’t know what to say Jean, I don’t know how to help”. ‘ _I was worried’,_ is what Armin conveys with his words.

Jean goes to sit beside Armin, and the latter scoots closer. Jean leans his head back and heavily sighs. “I never meant to worry you”.

“I know, I know”, Armin says kindly.

Jean doesn’t know if his tears are a result of having his first face-to-face interaction in a long time, or if it's the kindness in Armin’s eyes or simply his presence, what he does know is that he’s crying again. He puts his head on his knees and feels Armin wrap his arm around him. The embrace was one that let Jean know that Armin _was there for him._

Jean isn’t sure how long they stayed in that position, him and Armin, but when he finally moves to sit up, he doesn’t feel as _angry,_ just drained. 

When Armin moves to continue tidying Jean doesn’t stop him. Rather than sit there while Armin pokes around his filth, he decides to hide inside the bathroom. The bathroom is weirdly brighter than the rest of his apartment and while Jean wouldn’t go as far as to say it brightened his mood, it did give him enough clarity to get his shower running. The water _stings_ as he gets under it, and as the bathroom fills with steam he lets the water run over him. The heat seeps into him and it seems like the water going down the drain had thawed some of the winter in him.

He’s not entirely sure of how long he’s spent in the shower but he does notice that the water is not as hot as it was. He makes sure to wrap his towel around his waist securely and proceeds to leave the bathroom.

* * *

Armin's head turns as he hears Jean opening the door. He wills himself not to take a look but still his eyes are drawn to Jeans chest. When he meets Jeans eyes, it's like he’s a moth drawn to a flame. To Armin, this staring contest was _intimate_ and so when he feels a blush rising, he looks away, breaking the trance. 

When Jean comes into the living room dressed in some comfortable pyjamas, Armin can’t help but notice how tired and weary he looks. He feels guilt for not checking up on him more, for not texting more, for not _doing more._

The silence feels heavy, there are words being left unspoken, and feelings being buried.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! I hope this was a nice read, please comment your thoughts, critiques, etc. I wish everyone who struggles with this disorder strength and happiness as we slowly leave winter. The next chapter of the story will be better!


End file.
